Are Your “Standards” Keeping You from Love?

Nowadays we’re all singing “I ain’t got no type” but in reality we all have a preference, a type that we look for when dating. Sometimes we don’t even realize it, but the patterns are there and these same patterns could also be the reason why you’re having a hard time finding love. I’ve met people who say they only date Hispanic women because “black women are psychos,” but always seem to get hurt by the “only” women they date. I’ve met women who have a thing for the “thuggish” type, but always expects to be the exception when they know he’s capable of hurt. I think when we think about what we want and what we prefer do we stop to ask ourselves if we’re prepared for it.

I thought back to an exercise a friend of mine had me do which was the usual write down a list of all the qualities that you look for in a partner. As I was writing my list, I tried to make it as deep as possible, trying to avoid all the superficial things. I thought about all the things I really wanted someone to provide me with and my list was really short. I just wanted someone who was going to love and support me, but then I thought is that enough? Does he have to be spiritual? What type of things is he into for fun? As my mind generated more and more of these questions my list of qualities kept getting longer and longer until I had to flip the sheet of paper over and continue on the back.


By the time I was done, I thought will I ever find this guy? Who was this guy? Then I realized the guy on this list was a mash up of all the guys I had dated previously. That alone made me realize that sometimes when we’re dating we tend to carry these list of standards around in our minds as if they’re grocery list and we’re shopping for these particular guy. Sometimes we may find only 1 out of the 3 ingredients on our list of standards, but does that automatically make him off limits? I started to realize I was being superficial even though I was trying so hard not to be.

I’m sure we can all agree that emotions and logic don’t mix and sometimes when our emotions are at a certain intensity we try to use logic to justify it and vice versa. Point is, I’m learning to be more open to love and not judge based on my list of standards. Not to say you shouldn’t have a standard because setting the bar high for yourself is important, but would you even date you if you had to compare yourself to your own list?

1 Comment

  1. Chris has pointed out to me that women make checklists of everything a man has to have and we test then to check off the list. Men tend to have a general sense of what they want in a woman but don’t knit pick nearly as much. I wonder if this is true. I definitely have a list of desirable qualities which I joke are just basic standards.


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