{Hello Fear} | My Big Bang to the Life I Want

A year and a half ago if someone would have said “Deja, you are going to be an amazing writer. You will inspire and touch lives by sharing your journey. It will make you vulnerable, but you’re strong enough.” I probably would have just been indifferent about it. I would have most likely said yeah and left it alone. Now that I am actually walking and living it, I can’t help but wonder, “What took me so long?”

Why did it take me so long to pick up a pencil, crack open a laptop and write my book? Why did it take me so long to start my site? Some might say it just wasn’t my season, but when you have a purpose it’s always your season to be what you are called to be. So what took me so long? Fear. I had established a comfortable life with someone and settled into that comfort to the point where I convinced myself that my dreams were cool, but I needed to focus on more real and tangible things like finding a stable job and my relationship. But sooner than later the unrest set in. I was ignoring what I was meant to do and it started to affect everything in my life: my job and my relationship, but I was scared to let it go because what if I failed? What if I put myself out there and I don’t like what I get. I certainly couldn’t go back to my job or my relationship. I needed that safety net that I established. Little did I know, making such a rash decision for my life would catapult me into the life I only saw in my dreams. I got tired of looking fear in the face and letting it win.

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I got to the point where I looked fear in the face, said hello and thank you for stopping by, but you can’t stay here. I wasn’t afraid to dream big anymore. I wasn’t afraid to put myself out there and ask for the things I wanted. I had built the confidence to affirm myself and speak into my life the things that I should have and was confident enough to know that I deserved everything I desire. I wasn’t afraid to get my hands a little dirty and calloused if it meant working for what I want. The hustle is real, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I realized that people come and go and those who man the trenches with you are worth being in your life.

I began to understand that saying hello to fear and getting passed it was systematic. It took planning and executing to get through it. I had to set goals for myself and create a strategy or a blueprint to make those goals concrete. I had to think about the pros and cons of working the system and have an exit strategy for every obstacle that could possibly present itself. Having faith in a higher power and that the universe will work in your favor I find comfort in scriptural text from the Christian bible that reads, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).” I am a believer that what you place into the universe it will come back and if you allow you life to be led by fear you’ll be fearful of everything and will achieve nothing that makes you happy. You’ll spend your life trying to convince yourself that the decisions you’ve made or didn’t make were for the better. You’ll waste years trying to justify and compensate for what wasn’t. I knew that was the kind of life I didn’t want to live.

I didn’t want to look back on my 40th birthday and have nothing of my own to show for. Sure I could have the marriage and the children, but what legacy can I pass down to them. What life stories can I share with them? These are the questions I couldn’t answer that I so deeply desire to when that time comes. So I looked fear in the face, said hello, but you can’t stay here.

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