Healing in Vulnerability

I thought I had my life all figured out. I had a boyfriend who adored me and wanted to marry me, we had a place together, a safe haven to report back to when the struggle got too real and a fur baby named Zeus who was a handful, but something was missing in my life and I couldn’t figure out what it was. I was content with everything, but I couldn’t find happiness with myself. I had love, stability, security, my own little family, but I wasn’t happy and I was only 23. I had to go.

I couldn’t help but wonder should I stay and just stick it out, I mean I had invested six years into our relationship was being unhappy enough reason to leave? Maybe I would feel differently over time. Over time….it had been 6 years of time and I HAD to go. I was 23 and had no idea who I was or what I wanted to do with my life. The uproot began.

I left and I was on my own for the first time in my life. I had to learn how to be independent because I didn’t realize a lot of my dependency rested on him. I was a long way from home and I didn’t want to return to Trenton. I thought it would make me look like a failure and I had already established myself in Newark. My job was here, my friends were here, my life was here, so after 8 months of renting a room in a luxury apartment in downtown Newark, I realized it was far beyond my means. This left me broke, homeless (crashing on couches, staying in spare rooms), hungry and completely vulnerable. It was one of the most uncomfortable and depressing times of my life thus far. I felt like I had plummeted back down to the bottom and had to work my way back up all over again. I couldn’t help but wonder what I had done to deserve so much struggle.

I went days without eating, without money and didn’t know how I was going to survive the winter. I cried every night for those six months, but I was fortunate to have friends who cared. I crashed in Jersey City with one of my college sister-friends.

My silver lining came when I realized God was setting up my story to be shared. I had a story to share. I had always dreamed of being a writer, the only thing stopping me was me. What was I going to say? What did people want to hear, more importantly what did people NEED to hear? How could I use my story to inspire others? The answer was simple: being transparent. My foundation had already been laid, I just hadn’t figured out the blueprint yet. When I did my life changed. My perspective on my life shifted and I learned how to embrace everything and see the joys of the way things were.

2014 I wrote a book, 2015 I published a book, signed a lease on an apartment and you have no idea how much you appreciate the simple things when you don’t have them (fridge full of groceries, fresh laundry, a warm bed) and launched a media brand. I regret nothing. I’m living the life I want, struggle and all. Most people stunt for the ‘gram or only choose to show when things are high. I would rather share my struggles because I know how tough life can be and knowing people have your back and are rooting for you helps the process.

Jeremiah 29:11 promised that God has a plan for my life to prosper me in this world. There’s healing in being vulnerable for yourself and someone else. I’m a walking testimony that when life rains on you its just cleansing you and preparing you to appreciate the rainbow.

2 Comments

    1. Sometimes life steers you in a direction completely off path or the path you believe was right to show you a different way. Having things means nothing if you don’t see the value in them or having things don’t mean a thing if they’re not for you to begin with.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s