Yesterday I had a breakdown. Like a full out crying and venting session that lasted for about an hour. As a writer, I find it hard to communicate my thoughts beyond the realm of paper and pencil and more modernly a computer screen and keypad. Unless, I’m writing it, it’s not being dealt with. Writing helps me release the insanity to keep me sane. Sometimes I fear talking about it will cause me to lose it even more, but yesterday was my breaking point. I’ve been blessed to have all the opportunities that I’ve gotten this year and while I do count my blessings, I can’t help but notice the dark cloud hanging over my head.
I got to thinking about mental health in the black community, more so for women and how we’ve written articles, and blog post, created podcast and hosted awareness events to highlight the lack of support that we have on the subject matter. We’re given advice and told the many ways to alleviate the things in our lives that are causing harm to our mental health, but what happens when there is no escape, no intervention or way out at the moment to alleviate the pain? What then do you do?
Yesterday I had a breakdown and for the first time I realized how helpless I felt. I realized that this season in my life is where I am supposed to be and even though this suffering is great and this storm is causing a flood in my emotions, it’s happening because I can handle it. I just got so overwhelmed yesterday that I let it overtake me.
I had to get it all out. I texted my best friend and just went on an hour long crying session. I explained how I was not happy with my work situation, it didn’t provide me with the adequate amount of income to live comfortably, I thought about groceries and said to myself “What are thooooose?!” I thought about bills that just keep piling up no matter how much of them I pay. Like damn, I JUST paid my phone bill, why is AT&T sending me a text telling me my bill is ready to be viewed? I felt like I couldn’t handle it and in that moment when I allowed a little doubt in my life it broke the levees and I started to drown in my emotions because I forgot one thing. I forgot what God said to me. I forgot that in 1 Corinthians he promised that “no testing has overtaken you that is not common to everyone…” He said I would not be tested beyond my strength and that he would also provide me with a way out so that I would be able to endure it. This struggle is only temporary, but it’s so necessary to my growth and the healing of others.
I sat and thought about my way out. It dawned on me that the only way out is through it, like in one of those Indiana Jones movies where there’s no turning back. The breakdown was the storm and the release I needed to get me closer to experiencing the promises that have been placed on my life. Aside from my moment of reflection I found myself singing the chorus of “The Breaks” by Kurtis Blow and I couldn’t help but laugh at myself. As extreme as some of his scenarios were in that song, it made me realize that life happens and it’s going to keep happening as long as I’m alive, it’s the beauty and the bittersweet of this journey.