I used to think that when life gave me rotten fruit, or the short end of the stick it was my job to just be humble through it because I believed that everything happened for a reason.
While that may be true, I realized that adopting that mentality often left me unsatisfied with the way my life was going. I was at a standstill career wise, my finances were in shambles and my love life wasn’t where I wanted it to be, but I kept telling myself that I was a work in progress. I was always progressing, always climbing a mountain or jumping a hurdle and I allowed myself to be okay with that for so long that I finally got to a point where I asked myself “Where is the pinnacle of it all?” I thought about the dark clouds hanging over my head and asked myself, “Could I be the reason for them being there in the first place?” Am I causing my own dark clouds? I mean the only reason my career was the way it was was because I had become a shake my head and say okay to whatever I’m told type of employee, not to mention that I was working in a field I didn’t even love. I just needed the money. My finances weren’t the best because I settled for that poor work environment and believed that I needed that job to survive. I did. I was living paycheck to paycheck where one missed check, or one surprise bill was all it would take to leave me homeless. So I worked, and I worked, and I worked and accumulated a boatload of debt along the way. I did jobs that weren’t even in my job description because I had to be a team player or at least that what’s I was told. I worked at a job that didn’t pay me my worth with a Master’s degree and years of experience, more than the people who were over me. My love life wasn’t where I wanted it to be because I wasn’t being completely honest with the men I was dating about what I wanted and expected from them. After being tired of it all and realizing that I was an accomplice to my struggle, I made the decision to stop being passive-aggressive in my life.
I realized that the decision to be and get whatever I wanted laid in my own hands, no one else’s. So that job that I was unhappy at, I was there because I applied and they hired me. No one forced me into that job, no one forced me to stay either, but I wasn’t being aggressive in getting the career that I wanted. I wasn’t applying myself, I wasn’t even searching. I was content and miserable; two conflicting emotions. My finances were shot because I knew that they weren’t paying me my worth, but I also never asked nor demanded them to. My love life wasn’t where I wanted it to be because on the surface, I was okay with going with the flow, but deep down I wasn’t, but I never said hey, I need you to commit or step off. So the games continued until I got tired. I was a backseat driver to my own life and everyone else’s hands were on the wheel.
Not being passive-aggressive required me to pay closer attention to the smaller details of my life. I had to be meticulous and extremely particular about the goals I set for myself. I had to be intentional about reaching those goals. I had to be assertive when I said no, made request and demands for things I believed I was deserving of. More importantly I had to believe that I deserved the things I asked for. I soon learned that when you demand little, you get little in return. Just allowing life to happen isn’t really living.
Sure I was experiencing what I got, but I realized I could be getting so much more. I didn’t have to take that rotten fruit I thought I had to be grateful for and humble about and while I was too busy taking it, I didn’t realize I could’ve easily thrown it out and demanded better. I gained an understanding with myself that I should have an active part in defining what makes me happy and I wasn’t doing that. So today when I pressed that send button on those emails, those text messages, when I pushed submit on that block list and cleaned house, I let go of passive-aggressive Deja. I let go of the Deja who thought she was living, but was in reality just following an already paved course. I woke up and said to myself, “Not today.”
Am I scared? Yes, shitting bricks. I am nervous as heck and I find myself on the verge of tears whenever I think about how bad I want what I want and how hard I am working towards it.
What are you letting go of today, to be the best you tomorrow?