I used to think that when life gave me rotten fruit, or the short end of the stick it was my job to just be humble through it because I believed that everything happened for a reason.

While that may be true, I realized that adopting that mentality often left me unsatisfied with the way my life was going. I was at a standstill career wise, my finances were in shambles and my love life wasn’t where I wanted it to be, but I kept telling myself that I was a work in progress. I was always progressing, always climbing a mountain or jumping a hurdle and I allowed myself to be okay with that for so long that I finally got to a point where I asked myself “Where is the pinnacle of it all?” I thought about the dark clouds hanging over my head and asked myself, “Could I be the reason for them being there in the first place?” Am I causing my own dark clouds? I mean the only reason my career was the way it was was because I had become a shake my head and say okay to whatever I’m told type of employee, not to mention that I was working in a field I didn’t even love. I just needed the money. My finances weren’t the best because I settled for that poor work environment and believed that I needed that job to survive. I did. I was living paycheck to paycheck where one missed check, or one surprise bill was all it would take to leave me homeless. So I worked, and I worked, and I worked and accumulated a boatload of debt along the way. I did jobs that weren’t even in my job description because I had to be a team player or at least that what’s I was told. I worked at a job that didn’t pay me my worth with a Master’s degree and years of experience, more than the people who were over me. My love life wasn’t where I wanted it to be because I wasn’t being completely honest with the men I was dating about what I wanted and expected from them. After being tired of it all and realizing that I was an accomplice to my struggle, I made the decision to stop being passive-aggressive in my life.phonto (2)

I realized that the decision to be and get whatever I wanted laid in my own hands, no one else’s. So that job that I was unhappy at, I was there because I applied and they hired me. No one forced me into that job, no one forced me to stay either, but I wasn’t being aggressive in getting the career that I wanted. I wasn’t applying myself, I wasn’t even searching. I was content and miserable; two conflicting emotions. My finances were shot because I knew that they weren’t paying me my worth, but I also never asked nor demanded them to. My love life wasn’t where I wanted it to be because on the surface, I was okay with going with the flow, but deep down I wasn’t, but I never said hey, I need you to commit or step off. So the games continued until I got tired. I was a backseat driver to my own life and everyone else’s hands were on the wheel.

Not being passive-aggressive required me to pay closer attention to the smaller details of my life. I had to be meticulous and extremely particular about the goals I set for myself. I had to be intentional about reaching those goals. I had to be assertive when I said no, made request and demands for things I believed I was deserving of. More importantly I had to believe that I deserved the things I asked for. I soon learned that when you demand little, you get little in return. Just allowing life to happen isn’t really living.

Sure I was experiencing what I got, but I realized I could be getting so much more. I didn’t have to take that rotten fruit I thought I had to be grateful for and humble about and while I was too busy taking it, I didn’t realize I could’ve easily thrown it out and demanded better. I gained an understanding with myself that I should have an active part in defining what makes me happy and I wasn’t doing that. So today when I pressed that send button on those emails, those text messages, when I pushed submit on that block list and cleaned house, I let go of passive-aggressive Deja. I let go of the Deja who thought she was living, but was in reality just following an already paved course. I woke up and said to myself, “Not today.”

Am I scared? Yes, shitting bricks. I am nervous as heck and I find myself on the verge of tears whenever I think about how bad I want what I want and how hard I am working towards it.

 

What are you letting go of today, to be the best you tomorrow?

2 thoughts on “HBIC | I Stopped Being Passive-Aggressive and Got My Life

  1. Love the Maya Angelou quote on your pic! I’d never read that one before, but it is everything! Major props to you for taking control over your life. I definitely feel inspired. So often I can imagine the things that I want out of life, but I wonder if it’s asking too much or am unsure how to go after them. Like the quote says, sometimes you just “gotta go out and kick ass!”

    Like

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