First Date Disasters: The Potty Dance

So last week in “Cupid’s Arrow Gun,” I talked about my adventures on OkCupid and how I ended up meeting a guy who I’m very much interested that identifies as an Atheist. I would say that I am a believer, so I was a little hesitant about pursuing this any further, but as I said I decided to hear him out and really walk into this with an open mind. So after several phone conversations and texts and games of 21 questions, we decided to go on a date. Like a formal date, not a let’s meet up at a bar or club for drinks. It was decided that I would meet him in NYC on Saturday.

Of course I’m nervous because I haven’t been on a date in ages. Sure I’ve done drinks and chill, but nothing formal, so I get to Union Square our meeting place 30 minutes early and decide to browse in the Barnes and Noble until he called. When my phone buzzed, I was even more anxious. Long story short he took me to an Italian restaurant in NoHo, the entire menu was in….well Italian…the only thing we could make out in English were the beverages, and of course “Hot Oatmeal” on the brunch menu. After laughing and shamelessly using Google Translate, we both decided on simple pasta dishes. We talked a lot about family, our careers, shared some funny moments in our lives. I thought this is great, a real date. What was even better was he wouldn’t allow me to pay for a thing, so after dinner we decided to find a whiskey bar, my treat.

A word of advice, if he says he can drink you under the table in whiskey BELIEVE HIM, do NOT attempt to prove him wrong because 9 times out of 10 he’s done this before. So of course being Dej, I decided to step to the plate and it didn’t help that the bar was in happy hour mode until 11pm, it was only 8. The first round was on him, but we soon learned if you buy one you get one free. So he ordered whiskey neat for the both of us. It didn’t take long for some hair to develop on my chest. Second round, was whiskey with ginger…by this time I could’ve had an entire patch of hair on my chest. Third round on me, we get another whiskey neat. and Fourth round, free we try something different Hendricks (gin) and tonic. BAD IDEA!!!! By this time, I am drunk, and the bathroom is calling my name every two minutes. It is time to go. We close out our tabs and decide to take a trip to some stores to just browse, we get to Verizon and I’m doing the potty dance and there is no bathroom in Verizon, so I ditch my date in the store and run two blocks to Starbucks.

I didn’t want to be that person who just freeloads off the bathroom, so I order a toasted graham latte, and dash to the bathroom in the back, but it’s out of order and the door is locked, so I run back to the front and the lady tells me they’re out of toasted graham, I think SHIT! I already paid, so I get a white hot chocolate (by the way I hate white chocolate), and sat and waited for it.

I’m dashing down the street with my white hot chocolate and it’s spilling all over my arm and hands and jacket so I take one sip and sit it down on the windowsill in search of the nearest restaurant with a bathroom. I ended up running into a nightclub and there was a looooooooooong line for the women’s bathroom. NO BUENO. At this point my bladder is about to rupture so I dash into the men’s bathroom which by the way wasn’t a one person bathroom, there were dudes standing at the urinal and I said “Sooooorryyy” and dashed into the stall. Man oh man.

After I had finally gotten my life, still drunk I realize I have 4 missed calls and it’s my date looking for me. I finally found him and we set out on a mission for my favorite drunk food: Taco Bell. Overall, I had so much fun, but I was exhausted that I really needed a nap, so impulsively I took a quick nap at his place in Harlem before returning to Jersey.

Dating Tips: When the entire menu is in Italian, don’t be ashamed to use Google Translate. There is absolutely no sexy way to eat saucy pasta. If he says he can drink you under the table in whisky, believe him…do not attempt to prove him wrong. A white hot chocolate, bottle of water, a five minute nap and soft shell tacos from Taco Bell cures acute tipsiness. Most importantly be you in the most disastrous, awkward way and have fun.

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