Single Shaming During the Holidays

It’s that time again, it’s holiday season and this is my second holiday season as a single woman, so you can imagine what they are like for me. I always look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year’s Eve, not for the gifts, glitz and parties, but it’s the only period of time where there’s a high concentration of family, reflection and just some much needed quiet time to gather myself, but the one thing I don’t look forward to are the questions asking me when I’m getting married, when I’m gonna have kids, when am I going to settle down and meet someone. If I had the answers to those questions, I would be married already. It’s not like I want to be single, I just haven’t met anyone yet who I feel is worthy of my time. I haven’t met anyone yet that I feel I can built a life with. Also my focuses are elsewhere like career development and establishing myself as an individual so that I can actually concentrate on building with someone when I meet them.

I was on the train coming back from the city and I needed some reading material so I grabbed my usual copies of Cosmopolitan and Ebony and as I’m reading the first, I come across an article about single-shaming. Now I’ve heard of fat-shaming, slut-shaming, erc, but I thought is this a real thing? The more I read, the more it became real to me. The idea that someone could make you feel bad or ashamed for being single. The idea that if you don’t have a significant other than something is wrong with you. I learned that you can even be the reason that you feel ashamed for being single. For a period of time, I was used to being in a relationship, I was used to having a plus one and when I became single I thought FREEDOM! Summer came around and I did so much exploring, I had so much. I was in the city every weekend, I spent more time with my friends and family. Things were cool being a single and independent woman. I started building my brand and writing my book and I just so felt so inspired with this new-found freedom and lifestyle that I had adopted, but over time, it soon began to wear off. The desire to have someone resurfaced  a year and a half into being single. I had all these new opportunities, I had rebuilt this amazing lifestyle for myself, I was having all this fun, but I had no one to share any of it with except for my girls who are all in long-term committed relationship and one soon to be married. The dynamics of our sisterhood did shift a little when I found myself the odd girl out and searching. I felt I couldn’t share my dating tales with them without facing judgement or shame when they didn’t work out like I had hoped.

So is single-shaming a real thing? Yes, yes it is and the only thing I’m looking forward to this Thanksgiving is a plate full of my grandma’s collard greens, so please don’t ask me why I’m single and not married yet. Trust me, I’m working on it.

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