I’m not myself these days, I’ve been going through changes, but such is life. I think about where I was mentally, emotionally and spiritually just a few months ago and I’ve decided that I’m in a better place. I found myself in a quiet place yesterday even in the midst of all the noise and chaos at my grandma’s house. I sat in the living room listening to an artist I had discovered on Spotify named Roo Panes. He’s a really awesome folksy, indies artist. I had my mug of tea and a big brown comfy couch by the grey fireplace. For some reason I felt compelled to look up some scriptures and for once in my life I felt a strong sense of contentment.
When I was living in Newark for the past three years I had built up a very social life for myself. I had a large circle of friends that I rolled with and there was always something to do. I had adopted the reputation of being a busy body and my friends would always laugh that I can’t seem to sit still. I was always somewhere, but truth is, I was struggling living on my own and I was miserable working at my job, but I had to stay there because it was the only way I could afford to barely pay my bills. Moving back home with my parents was NOT an option. The city I grew up in is one of those cities that when you leave, you don’t come back voluntarily. For a while I danced around figuring out my calling and how to juggle that of being a writer and the politics of working in non-profit. I thought about what I would be giving up if I moved back home. I would be leaving behind a life that took me two years to build. I would be giving up my social life, time with my friends and my job. I would have to start over. Back to the drawing board. I sat in the living room at my grandma’s house and I thought about starting over. It’s been four months since being back here and I found myself researching scriptures on new mercies. I thought about how low I felt coming back here. I thought about being jobless, but writing my ass off. I thought about letting go of the old Deja. I thought about a scripture in Job that read “And though your beginning was small, your latter days will be very great (Job 8:7).” I sipped my tea and thought about the amazing job opportunity that presented itself to me in another city and I decided that God’s word never fails.
Making the decision to move back home was something that I HAD to do because honestly, I couldn’t afford to keep struggling financially like I was. My family was ecstatic that I was coming home, I wasn’t. I had accepted that my city was a no mans land and it just wasn’t a place for dreamers with big plans. I was missing the bigger picture though. While I focused so much energy on the fact that I hated being in this city, I was missing that for the first time in three years, I’m really around my family. In the years I was up North, I found myself missing out on a lot of things. It wasn’t until my cousin’s funeral this past week I realized how much I missed my family. My cousins, the people I grew up with all in one house for an entire weekend. I hadn’t seen them in ages. So many years had gone by and I decided that I didn’t want time to go by again like that until we speak again. Being here didn’t seem so bad. My entire outlook had changed. “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you too his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you (1 Peter 5:10).”
I’ve learned that the Lord will give you mercies and second chances. Thinking about all of my dating disasters and woes, I had some really jacked up situations in the last two years. Moving back home put a much needed damper in my dating life. I simply stopped because I had gotten so caught up in my writing which is where I needed to be anyway that I didn’t have time to entertain anyone. Sure the advances didn’t stop and I was fading left and right, but then one guy in particular kind of just stuck. I would sulk all the time to my friends about how I didn’t want to be single anymore and I just wanted to love someone who loved me back, but the steel wall I had built up just wouldn’t allow it, so I kept it casual. I knew that my past hurts had left some scars and I wasn’t ready to tackle them just yet and I wasn’t ready to be that burden on anyone either. I decided to let someone love me the way I deserved and it’s caused a ripple effect in so many other areas of my life. The Bible says that love saves lives. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).” It has indeed saved mine. It changes you and when you find someone who is good for your soul it’s for the better. I have no choice but to be happy, have faith and hope in a greater life ahead of me (1 Corinthians 13:13)
Back at this drawing board and letting God rewrite my story, he’s given me a boatload of new opportunities in life and love and it’s reawaken my desire to get back on the spiritual trail. “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never comes to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness (Lamentations 3:22-23).”
Life has a way of completely humbling us and forcing us to simmer it down and focus on the more important things without the distractions of trying to keep up with a social life. Today is my self-care day and in my period of meditation and reflection, I realize how grateful I am to have had these experience and the others that will come my way and I pray that sharing it with someone, somewhere you will find the inspiration that I did in just being and living in the moment and making sure your focusing on those moments so that they aren’t just passing you by.
I’ve tried not to do much today that didn’t revolve around relaxation and this track has been on repeat for most of the day. Check it out below, tell me what you think. Enjoy the rest of your Sunday.