My Love Life According to Maslow

“How’s a girl like you still single? You’re so dope!” 

“I bet plenty of men are after you huh?” 

“You could probably have any man you wanted to couldn’t you?” 

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*rolls eyes* If I had to sit and recount or recall all of the times I’ve had conversations with men that revolve around those questions, I’d have to brew us some tea because we’d be here all night.

But anyway, I’ve found myself so disinterested in men and dating lately. The thought of going out on dates is exhausting and when I do agree to one, I immediately regret it and want to cancel on him. I find myself bored and put off by them and I’m sure they’re not boring at all, it’s just that I’ve already shut my mind off before anything has even begun.

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On the flipside, I’ve sat on my couch and watched The Holiday, three days in a row…well four if you count today and have swooned and made my self sick with giddy over the budding love between Jude Law’s and Cameron Diaz’s character (seriously why am I watching this everyday).

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I mean DEEP down somewhere in that heart of mines I’d like to be with someone genuine. I really would. I’d love to enjoy that infatuation phase that comes with new love. I’d love to build with someone. I’d love a romantic relationship where we’re also partners in everything, even in our careers. But, I don’t have the mental capacity for it right now. I really can’t wrap my brain around.

After some soul searching and talking to friends and even coming across a few inspirational articles, I figured out why I was having this problem. So when men ask me if I’m looking for a relationship right now, or if I want something serious, or even if I want to date, my answer is “No, I don’t want to.” So to better explain this reasoning, I put on my fake psychologist hat and let my nerd flag fly. So pay attention, there’s levels to this ish…

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So there was this Russian Jewish guy named Abraham Maslow right, who one day decided he was going to do some research on human motivation. He wanted to know what human needed in order to achieve our fullest potential. So he came up with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

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The chart begins at the bottom where our physiological needs such as food, water, rest and health are at the forefront. Once we achieve those basic things, we then move on to finding security and safety in our lives and so on until we reach that level of self-actualization…our fullest potential.

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I must say that sir Maslow was definitely on to something with his analysis and theories, but of course being me, my order is a tad bit different. So when I tell people that I’m not ready for a relationship here’s why:

Deja’s Hierarchy of Needs

Dej's Hierarchy of Needs

Some people believe that you don’t have to have it all together in order to have a successful and healthy relationship and while in some cases that may be true, I believe that my freedom has allowed me to unapologetically achieve some things I probably couldn’t in a relationship. Life is a never ending journey, so if I waited until I had it all the way together before I settled down I probably never will, so that’s not what my hierarchy is about…it’s about having something established for myself. It’s about leaving my own footprints in the sand. It’s about establishing Deja’s legacy. Granted, I will build with the man I get into a committed relationship with, but I’ll also have my own foundation to stand on my own two feet as well. So when people ask me how come I’m single or why don’t I want a relationship right now…it’s because my efforts and focus is elsewhere at the moment.

 

5 Podcast To Get You Through The Monday Blues

In this digital age, there are certain things that I miss at times like the importance of a landline phone, or a good paperback book and talk radio shows with music and hilarious discussion topics. I’ve jumped on the podcast bandwagon. I love them. I laugh with them and shake my head in agreement with their commentary. There are five in particular that I look forward to every week to get me through my 8 minute ab workout or help me get through the digital pile of deadlines that find their way onto my desktop.

The Friendzone 

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I’ve been a HeyFranHey fan since my earlier Tumblr days in 2009 and she serves as the right amount of balance between Assante and Dustin with their hilarious antics and commentary. Listen along every Wednesday as Dustin Ross, HeyFranHey & Assante explore mental hygiene, because who in the hell wants a musty brain? 

Girlboss Radio

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In case you’re ever in need of some morning inspiration #Girlboss legend Sophia Amoruso finds some of the most brilliant women entrepreneurs and gets all the inside scoop on their building process, career gems and strategies. It’s also girl chat as well.

Black Girls Talking

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It’s like dialing up for girls on a conference call. Black Girls Talking is a podcast wherein 4 black women discuss pop culture, Beyonce, & the pursuit of the perfect body oil.

Another Round

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Heben Nigatu and Tracy Clayton cover everything from race, gender and pop culture to squirrels, mangoes, and bad jokes, all in one boozy show.

2 Dope Queens

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Join the 2 Dope Queens, Phoebe Robinson and Jessica Williams, along with their favorite comedians, for stories about sex, romance, race, hair journeys, living in New York, and Billy Joel. Plus a whole bunch of other s**t.

Produced by WNYC Studios.

So you know, while you’re brushing your teeth or while you’re getting dressed or frying you an egg or simply making a smoothie, give one of them a listen and get ready for some morning laughter.

 

 

A Man’s Guide to the Feminine Product Aisle

Sometimes even with period trackers and regular cycles, there are times when the tide is high and decides to spill over anyhow. It happened to me recently and I had to call in special reinforcement to make a stop at the drugstore. I had to call the boyfriend and talk him through the process. Any man that’s grown up in a house with women whether a mother, sister, niece or cousin; any man that’s lived with a woman; and any man who has a daughter will know that once a month for a week, sometimes less, you sir are on eggshells. Everything you say or do, everything you don’t say or don’t do is amplified by a thousand as you walk that thin line between life and the afterlife. This is why it is crucial that when she sends you to that drugstore you come back with the right products…including a proper chocolate bar (ice cream will suffice as well) and whatever else she asks for. Don’t mess up.

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On the flip side, messing up is easy to do when you find yourself lost in the feminine product aisle surrounded by so many options. I’ll admit that when I first “crossed that line into womanhood,” it took me a while to figure out which brand, which style, which type of feminine products worked for me. So we get it, and decided to make it easier for you so that when we send you to the store asking to bring us back some “pads,” you don’t come back with “pantyliners.”

Essential Items

open-box-of-u-by-kotexTampons

For all the sports fans and athletes, no they are not just for nose bleeds, tampons are an essential feminine product item that most women prefer. They come in different sizes and are made mainly of cotton. They can be left in longer than a regular pad and are preferred among women who are athletes, women who have busy lives and who are physically active more. They act as a plug and can last between 4-5 hours although it’s recommended that you change more frequently, especially when you use the bathroom. To be on the safe side and to further capture any possible spotting accidents most prefer to still wear pantyliners with their tampons. Point blank period, there’s no way you can mess up tampons, just make sure you get the brand right. If she asked for Kotex, don’t come home with Tampax. It won’t be good for you.

Pads

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The most commonly used and the most complicated. They come in different sizes from long to short. Heavy to light. Wings, no wings. So you might want to phone a friend for this one fellas. Make sure you get her brand, her flow, ask whether she prefers wings or no wings and if she wants regular or ultra thin. This will make sure that she gets the comfort she needs. No one wants to have to walk around with what feels like a diaper in their pants.

img_7993Pantyliners

They look like pads, but they are much smaller with just enough to cover the seat of the undies. Pantyliners are for those couple of days after her cycle has ended, but there’s still a little discharge. They don’t have wings, and they’re usually one size only. So you really can’t mess this one up. Pantyliners are also usually paired with tampons in case there’s a bit of leakage. They come in much smaller packs and are a lot thinner than pads. Most women usually won’t request this because there’s always more than enough underneath the bathroom sink, but it’s best to know than not know.

Important Terms to Note

Heavy Flow 

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Seriously, it’s like a Do Not Enter crime scene. It’s like a busted water pipe. It’s like a leave me the hell alone, I literally can’t move from my seat because I’m afraid if I get up, cough or sneeze I’m going to release what feels like a waterfall in my pants.

Medium Flow 

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Not as bad as heavy flows, but there’s still the risk of unleashing a stream if you cough, sneeze, laugh too hard or stand up.

Light Flow 

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You finally start to see the light at the end of the crimson tunnel. It’s almost over and a brand new day is approaching!

Other Essential Items

Heating pads

Chocolate Candy Bar

Hot Tea

Feminine Wash

Drugs 

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Dos & Don’ts

Fellas, some things are going to happen that you might not understand during that week, but please bare with her. She might want you to hold her because the cramps are that bad and leave her alone at the same time. She might not have an appetite, but suddenly want an entire platter of spicy buffalo wings and fries. She might laugh one minute as tears of sadness simultaneously flow from eyes. This isn’t The Exorcist, you don’t need to call Father Bryant…just do what she says and no one gets hurt.

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Periods get easier to manage the older we get, they become a normal part of our female lives, but they are still one of the most uncomfortable for us fellas, so DO listen and make it easier for us. We’re dealing with some drastic emotional and physical changes.