“How’s a girl like you still single? You’re so dope!” 

“I bet plenty of men are after you huh?” 

“You could probably have any man you wanted to couldn’t you?” 

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*rolls eyes* If I had to sit and recount or recall all of the times I’ve had conversations with men that revolve around those questions, I’d have to brew us some tea because we’d be here all night.

But anyway, I’ve found myself so disinterested in men and dating lately. The thought of going out on dates is exhausting and when I do agree to one, I immediately regret it and want to cancel on him. I find myself bored and put off by them and I’m sure they’re not boring at all, it’s just that I’ve already shut my mind off before anything has even begun.

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On the flipside, I’ve sat on my couch and watched The Holiday, three days in a row…well four if you count today and have swooned and made my self sick with giddy over the budding love between Jude Law’s and Cameron Diaz’s character (seriously why am I watching this everyday).

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I mean DEEP down somewhere in that heart of mines I’d like to be with someone genuine. I really would. I’d love to enjoy that infatuation phase that comes with new love. I’d love to build with someone. I’d love a romantic relationship where we’re also partners in everything, even in our careers. But, I don’t have the mental capacity for it right now. I really can’t wrap my brain around.

After some soul searching and talking to friends and even coming across a few inspirational articles, I figured out why I was having this problem. So when men ask me if I’m looking for a relationship right now, or if I want something serious, or even if I want to date, my answer is “No, I don’t want to.” So to better explain this reasoning, I put on my fake psychologist hat and let my nerd flag fly. So pay attention, there’s levels to this ish…

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So there was this Russian Jewish guy named Abraham Maslow right, who one day decided he was going to do some research on human motivation. He wanted to know what human needed in order to achieve our fullest potential. So he came up with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

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The chart begins at the bottom where our physiological needs such as food, water, rest and health are at the forefront. Once we achieve those basic things, we then move on to finding security and safety in our lives and so on until we reach that level of self-actualization…our fullest potential.

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I must say that sir Maslow was definitely on to something with his analysis and theories, but of course being me, my order is a tad bit different. So when I tell people that I’m not ready for a relationship here’s why:

Deja’s Hierarchy of Needs

Dej's Hierarchy of Needs

Some people believe that you don’t have to have it all together in order to have a successful and healthy relationship and while in some cases that may be true, I believe that my freedom has allowed me to unapologetically achieve some things I probably couldn’t in a relationship. Life is a never ending journey, so if I waited until I had it all the way together before I settled down I probably never will, so that’s not what my hierarchy is about…it’s about having something established for myself. It’s about leaving my own footprints in the sand. It’s about establishing Deja’s legacy. Granted, I will build with the man I get into a committed relationship with, but I’ll also have my own foundation to stand on my own two feet as well. So when people ask me how come I’m single or why don’t I want a relationship right now…it’s because my efforts and focus is elsewhere at the moment.

 

In this digital age, there are certain things that I miss at times like the importance of a landline phone, or a good paperback book and talk radio shows with music and hilarious discussion topics. I’ve jumped on the podcast bandwagon. I love them. I laugh with them and shake my head in agreement with their commentary. There are five in particular that I look forward to every week to get me through my 8 minute ab workout or help me get through the digital pile of deadlines that find their way onto my desktop.

The Friendzone 

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I’ve been a HeyFranHey fan since my earlier Tumblr days in 2009 and she serves as the right amount of balance between Assante and Dustin with their hilarious antics and commentary. Listen along every Wednesday as Dustin Ross, HeyFranHey & Assante explore mental hygiene, because who in the hell wants a musty brain? 

Girlboss Radio

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In case you’re ever in need of some morning inspiration #Girlboss legend Sophia Amoruso finds some of the most brilliant women entrepreneurs and gets all the inside scoop on their building process, career gems and strategies. It’s also girl chat as well.

Black Girls Talking

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It’s like dialing up for girls on a conference call. Black Girls Talking is a podcast wherein 4 black women discuss pop culture, Beyonce, & the pursuit of the perfect body oil.

Another Round

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Heben Nigatu and Tracy Clayton cover everything from race, gender and pop culture to squirrels, mangoes, and bad jokes, all in one boozy show.

2 Dope Queens

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Join the 2 Dope Queens, Phoebe Robinson and Jessica Williams, along with their favorite comedians, for stories about sex, romance, race, hair journeys, living in New York, and Billy Joel. Plus a whole bunch of other s**t.

Produced by WNYC Studios.

So you know, while you’re brushing your teeth or while you’re getting dressed or frying you an egg or simply making a smoothie, give one of them a listen and get ready for some morning laughter.

 

 

As some of you know, I offer a lot of commentary on dating and relationships particularly with Madame Noire as a women’s lifestyle writer. I pick up on trends, follow trends and try to predict new trends in the sex/dating/relationship culture. I published an article earlier last summer about Netflix & Chill and it’s relationship with the dating culture of this generation. I guess, thank the marketing Gods for good SEO skills because my article was picked up by a crew of UK filmmakers who were working on a short documentary about dating trends in the digital age. So we set up a Skype meeting, cameras and I offered my input on what I thought about the “trend.”

This morning, I received an email of the final product and I was completely amused by a lot of the other commentators. Check it out below.