Why I Don’t Want to Be a Dating & Relationships Writer Anymore…

10402885_10153104856801997_1167179388693634504_nWhen I first started this blog, I had already written and published my first book which was a somewhat autobiographical account of my many experiences and lessons learned in the areas of friendship, dating, my spiritual process, self-acceptance and my climb on the career ladder. I had also picked up my first paid freelance writing gig with Madame Noire. I was writing therefore I was in my element, but somewhere along the way I became branded a dating and relationships writer for the publication and at first it was cool. I had a load of experiences in dating and writing about it allowed me the vulnerability I needed to heal from my own past disasters.

But back to my blog, when I first started this blog, it was supposed to be a continuation of my book, but I didn’t know how to frame things other than sharing experiences of my own, but when I was featured in Quirky Brown Love’s 200+ Black Bloggers List as an “inspirational” blogger it dawned on me that I had to a story to share…stories…and I can share them and frame them in a way that offers solutions and empowerment to those reading them. So I began to do that on my blog, but since Madame Noire had the larger readership I figured I would shift my content there as well, but when pitch days came, I wasn’t getting the feedback that I hoped for. My inspirational stories were often trashed and the dating trends and topics took precedence over everything.

I’m currently going through a transitional phase in my life. I am a recovering over lover, I’ve taken a step back from dating so that I can actually focus on living my life and as I was updating my Digital Portfolio a few days ago, I noticed that other than dating, there wasn’t much substance to my Madame Noire writings. I mean sure I’ve covered other topics, but generally it was all dating, all sex, all relationships…and here I am still single. So I thought, maybe it’s time you focus on something else Dej.

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So I’ve been building. I’ve been working on something that will be of direct service to you all. I’ve been more cognizant of my content and I’ve decided that I don’t want to be a dating and relationships writer anymore. I want more substance, more inspiration, more empowerment, more encourage for women to build themselves and each other up. I don’t want to write about love and dating and sex anymore. I want to write and share inspirational stories of things that matter.

 

I Took Devon Franklin & Meagan Good’s “Wait 101” Class

After so many years of getting it wrong with so many men in terms of dating, I decided to take myself off the market and really focus on preparing myself for the life that I wanted. I had to get myself in order career wise, I had to patch up some holes in my finances and finish up a couple of manuscripts I’d been sitting on for over a year and really allow myself to heal from all of the emotional and mental exhaustion I had put myself through from dealing with men who had no intentions of taking me seriously. I realized that even in the midst of all the partying I did, the good times, the flings, the tequila and awesome music, I was lonely and even though I wanted to date seriously and work towards a serious commitment with someone, I wasn’t even prepared. So with a boatload of lessons learned, I locked myself into a cave of personal development and that’s where he found me.

He laid it all out on the table for me and rather than seeing me as this sexual, free-spirited, wild child, he saw me in my purest form. I hadn’t realized how much of my self-worth was based on how big of a social life I had, how many friends I made, and having a calendar with every weekend booked to be somewhere clubbing it up. It was a front to my loneliness, so when he told me he wanted to work towards a marriage, I panicked a little because I didn’t even know how to be a girlfriend despite the fact I believed I had a lot of love to give. His first rule was NO SEX. At first it wasn’t a big deal to me because since I had stopped dating anyway, that had also come to a halt, but truth is it was a big deal because I had gotten use to sex being an expectation when you’re in a relationship. I was a bit hesitant at his proposal, but then something ironic happened. I got an email for a free course offered on Essence.com Empower U channel called “The Wait 101: Discovering Lasting Love Through Celibacy” and I thought why not? The short course is facilitated by married couple Devon Franklin and Meagan Good and they take you through a series of short videos and surveys and quizzes to reflect on you dating patterns and how to prepare yourself for such a covenant. In such a short period of time, I’ve discovered some very helpful gems that I’d like to share with you all. Some might seem elementary, but I realize the older we get the more complicated elementary becomes.

Delaying Gratification

We live in a society chock full of quick and easy. We want quick meals, quick weight loss results, quick education, we want to alleviate the amount of effort we have to put into things. We want to get paid more money to do less work. You get the point, but with quick meals, you’ll be hungry again sooner; with quick weight loss results, you’ll find yourself struggling to keep it off because you don’t know how to properly maintain. With quick education, you’re only brushing the surface and risk missing out on important details. This is the same when it comes to building a relationship with someone.

We want the reward first as an incentive to do the work later. I used to be that way. Sex was an instant gratification, but it’s no foundation to build a relationship upon. I couldn’t understand why people should deny their natural desires. I learned that when I was left wondering why guys didn’t want a relationship with me, but wanted the fun that came with being with me. Meagan Good talked about how waiting weeds out what’s not supposed to be so that you can focus on what is supposed to be a lot faster. A lot of the damage that we experience emotionally and are still trying to recover from are often rooted in sex or hasty relationships with someone who wasn’t meant for us. Franklin suggests waiting because rather than spending weeks, months and sometimes even years with someone who wasn’t meant for you, you’ll be able to see that clearly. Continue reading “I Took Devon Franklin & Meagan Good’s “Wait 101” Class”

Here’s The Thing About Human Desire…

I recently started reading Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston for leisure and because female sexuality has always been something that’s interested me. The more I get to know myself, the more in tuned I become with the things that I desire and my own personal triggers. I’m also learning that you can desire someone in different ways for different reasons some sexual and some non-sexual, but in the midst of it all there’s this undeniable human desire in all of us that just NEEDS physical touch. It’s the natural part of human nature.

There are times where you may find yourself unimpressed by someone and not even interested in them as a person, but there’s a burning desire that says otherwise. It’s un-explainable and often times makes no sense at all. Ever found yourself at work, or just going about your daily routine and this unprovoked desire creeps up as if someone, somewhere is beckoning you? As I read, I came across the Love Story of Shakti and Shiva and I was immediately intrigued. Now, I don’t believe in worshipping deities or anything of that nature, but I love a good perspective story that explains how things are. Excerpt:

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In the beginning was the One. The One was all and everything, and for eons it reveled in being One for millennia of magnificent unitary bliss. Over the course of unimaginable time, however, the One grew bored. 

So the One split into two. One part was Shakti–she of energy, flow, and movement. The other was Shiva–he of consciousness, presence, and purpose. 

As soon as one became two, they gazed upon each other, fell madly in love, and wanted nothing more than to re-unite. They clasped each other passionately and explored all the ways two could merge into one. They entered each other and dissolved boundaries between them. For millennia they made love, exquisite erotic love. At long last they again achieved oneness as they exploded in mutual simultaneous orgasm. In that moment, the entire universe was born. All life sprang into being and springing is still.

According to Winston we naturally long for that connection and are magnetized by attraction and are drawn by the desire for oneness. I thought this was very interesting. I think it’s pretty interesting how love and desire have become antonymous. We don’t choose desire. It’s something that can happen at any given moment. When it comes to love it is often said to be a choice. Our initial response to someone is desire and depending on how powerful that desire is we choose to love them and it is that desire that keeps that love burning.