10402885_10153104856801997_1167179388693634504_nWhen I first started this blog, I had already written and published my first book which was a somewhat autobiographical account of my many experiences and lessons learned in the areas of friendship, dating, my spiritual process, self-acceptance and my climb on the career ladder. I had also picked up my first paid freelance writing gig with Madame Noire. I was writing therefore I was in my element, but somewhere along the way I became branded a dating and relationships writer for the publication and at first it was cool. I had a load of experiences in dating and writing about it allowed me the vulnerability I needed to heal from my own past disasters.

But back to my blog, when I first started this blog, it was supposed to be a continuation of my book, but I didn’t know how to frame things other than sharing experiences of my own, but when I was featured in Quirky Brown Love’s 200+ Black Bloggers List as an “inspirational” blogger it dawned on me that I had to a story to share…stories…and I can share them and frame them in a way that offers solutions and empowerment to those reading them. So I began to do that on my blog, but since Madame Noire had the larger readership I figured I would shift my content there as well, but when pitch days came, I wasn’t getting the feedback that I hoped for. My inspirational stories were often trashed and the dating trends and topics took precedence over everything.

I’m currently going through a transitional phase in my life. I am a recovering over lover, I’ve taken a step back from dating so that I can actually focus on living my life and as I was updating my Digital Portfolio a few days ago, I noticed that other than dating, there wasn’t much substance to my Madame Noire writings. I mean sure I’ve covered other topics, but generally it was all dating, all sex, all relationships…and here I am still single. So I thought, maybe it’s time you focus on something else Dej.


So I’ve been building. I’ve been working on something that will be of direct service to you all. I’ve been more cognizant of my content and I’ve decided that I don’t want to be a dating and relationships writer anymore. I want more substance, more inspiration, more empowerment, more encourage for women to build themselves and each other up. I don’t want to write about love and dating and sex anymore. I want to write and share inspirational stories of things that matter.


I recently started reading Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston for leisure and because female sexuality has always been something that’s interested me. The more I get to know myself, the more in tuned I become with the things that I desire and my own personal triggers. I’m also learning that you can desire someone in different ways for different reasons some sexual and some non-sexual, but in the midst of it all there’s this undeniable human desire in all of us that just NEEDS physical touch. It’s the natural part of human nature.

There are times where you may find yourself unimpressed by someone and not even interested in them as a person, but there’s a burning desire that says otherwise. It’s un-explainable and often times makes no sense at all. Ever found yourself at work, or just going about your daily routine and this unprovoked desire creeps up as if someone, somewhere is beckoning you? As I read, I came across the Love Story of Shakti and Shiva and I was immediately intrigued. Now, I don’t believe in worshipping deities or anything of that nature, but I love a good perspective story that explains how things are. Excerpt:


In the beginning was the One. The One was all and everything, and for eons it reveled in being One for millennia of magnificent unitary bliss. Over the course of unimaginable time, however, the One grew bored. 

So the One split into two. One part was Shakti–she of energy, flow, and movement. The other was Shiva–he of consciousness, presence, and purpose. 

As soon as one became two, they gazed upon each other, fell madly in love, and wanted nothing more than to re-unite. They clasped each other passionately and explored all the ways two could merge into one. They entered each other and dissolved boundaries between them. For millennia they made love, exquisite erotic love. At long last they again achieved oneness as they exploded in mutual simultaneous orgasm. In that moment, the entire universe was born. All life sprang into being and springing is still.

According to Winston we naturally long for that connection and are magnetized by attraction and are drawn by the desire for oneness. I thought this was very interesting. I think it’s pretty interesting how love and desire have become antonymous. We don’t choose desire. It’s something that can happen at any given moment. When it comes to love it is often said to be a choice. Our initial response to someone is desire and depending on how powerful that desire is we choose to love them and it is that desire that keeps that love burning.

Have you ever met a guy who you decided to build relations with and everything was going good until he did that ONE thing or said that ONE comment that just put you all the way off? Yeah, me too. Sometimes I really wish I could get insight into the way men’s minds operate. What goes through their minds when they do some of the things they do and more importantly why did they think what they did was okay? I mean this post with all seriousness, but of course there’s some humor in it because I know as you read along you’ll find yourself laughing because you’ve been there too.

  1. The Dick Pic.

This is FIRST on my list because there is nothing more unappealing than an unexpected and unwanted picture of your junk. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-penis or anything, but leave something for the imagination. We appreciate a good imprint in gray sweat pants, or work trousers, but to just blatantly send it without warning is over the top. Please don’t do that.

2. Netflix & Chill

Seriously, this whole Netflix & Chill is getting out of hand now. It’s taking away the effort for men to think they actually have to date us. Like sure we get that money is tight sometimes, some days you’re too tired to brainstorm date ideas, and you just want to stay in and relax with some company, but if Netflix and Chill is your immediate go to way of “bonding” and getting to know someone, you can just do that alone OR how about you treat Netflix and Chill in the literal sense. Don’t take that as a way to get frisky. I mean think about it. We are in an unfamiliar place with you which happens to be a place of comfort for you, do you think you’re helping the matter by feeling us up and making us feel uncomfortable? Just find a good movie, order some takeout and let’s literally chill. However, we would appreciate some effort.

Because I just can't...
Because I just can’t…

3. Going with the Flow

To me, going with the flow is another way of saying, I don’t know yet and I hate not knowing at some point. I like a man with a plan and who knows what he wants and who can articulate that to me so that I have a clear understanding. We would appreciate some clarity fellas. I had a friend once tell me that most men aren’t upfront with women because they feel we can’t handle it. I explained to him that it’s worst to be strung along. If you don’t want her then just let her go. If you can’t make up your mind right now, then let her be with a man that can. Take the L bruh. Enjoying the moments are completely different from going with the flow.

4. The “D”

If you are a grown man over the age of 20, you should not be referring to your penis as “The D” as if it’s some sort of life saving superhero. Grow up. It just sounds so childish. Much like grown men who haven’t learned how to invest in good quality cologne (AXE, Tag and Old Spice sprays do NOT count). We would appreciate if you just stuck to the basics on this one, but “The D,” just…no…

5. Leave Us Hanging

So we know that for some men it might be a tad bit difficult to use your big boy adult words when it comes to communication, but something has got to give. Going days, weeks without staying in contact with the women you’re dating is unacceptable. There is no excuse to justify it either. With all this technology around us nowadays it’s virtually impossible to lose touch with someone. Don’t make a plan and then constantly cancel or postpone on us. Us ladies would really appreciate some consistency. If for some reason you wake up one day and realize you’re way in over your head and aren’t ready for this woman, by all means a phone call or in-person chat would be nice. Don’t allow her to float on with false thoughts. Like I said, if you don’t know…move out the way so a man that does know can.

They say men are from Mars and it makes sense considering the lack of oxygen the planet has and the fact that it’s full of gas. Much like the lack of oxygen in your thick skulls preventing logic from happening and the fact that so many of you are just full of it. Fellas, sometimes we just don’t know how to deal with some of the things you do, so we would appreciate it if you just didn’t do it.